So this Blue Birds Hobo has spent many nights with a backpack filled with tall cans riding his hobo bike from park to park in search of a good conversation about the good boys of summer with someone — really just anyone… because the life of this old hobo hoser can get lonely at times.
Now, this is not a woe me because the two things that I always have are our Birds and a backpack full of tall cans and that’s all I need. But I went on a baseball mission last year trying to get an interview with the great Barry Davis, to no goddamn holy cussing avail. I mean, fuck it, it just seemed like I’d never be able just have that talk over a barley and hops sandwich where I get to pick the mind of the now late-but-greatest Sportsnet microphone man.
During the 2016 season, I would sit outside Gate 11 after games waiting for the ‘Bar’ to come out, so I could just shoot the ol’ baseball breeze with him, but he never left that way. I would park my bike at every different gate at the place we call ‘Dome’ after every single game waiting for the man. Wasted nights if it weren’t for the brewskis and the Birds.
So I decided to quit on the chasing down of the great Barry Davis, until fate hurled me a meatball over the center of the plate. I was maudlin around on the Danforth when I heard what sounded like Tom fuckin’ Petty playing live at The Linsmore. I was free falling at the time as I had a couple cans of fun at Trinity Bellwoods Park with some tattooed hoser friends of mine about an hour before. I thought there is no way I’m gonna back down from this! So I locked up my bike and walked into the ol’ Linsmore to listen to some sweet Petty sounds. But to my great surprise, there was no Tom on the stage, BUT there was something even bigger and better and that was: Barry Davis.
I hooted and hollered after each song and then finally after the set was complete, I approached the man (who had no idea of my great pursuit of him) and told him that I was the Hobo In The Park and that I’ve wanted to interview him for some time now. He said that he had heard of me too and that I just should’ve had my people reach out to his people and then this whole thing could’ve been set up many innings ago, but fuck it that’s not how I baseball stroll motherfuckers.
He listened to my questions, took many long pauses of thought, and answered me like the damn goggle wearing Birds champ that he is, so here it is folks!!!
* * *
Who would be the best Blue Jay to eat ribs with and drink beer?
Barry Davis: Joe Biagini
Hobo: Well, Biagini is one cool as fuck cat, BUT this Hobo has to disagree with you on this one Barry. I mean, c’mon, the correct answer is John Gibbons. The proper answer when it comes to questions like these is always. John. Gibbons.
If John Gibbons had a choice between a whisky and a steak or a beer and a burger, what’s he choose?
Barry Davis: Beer and burger 100%
Hobo: Again Barry, it was a good swing, BUT a giant Alfredo Griffin against the New York Yankees 1992 5th inning miss here. Ol’ Gibbers goes with the steak and burger with a whisky and a beer. C’mon, Barry. Everyone and their mother knows this. Sheesh.
What was the best road trip experience you had while covering the good Birds of summer?
Barry Davis: So many great ones, but I’d have to say September 2015 when they clinched the AL East in Baltimore.
Hobo: Fuckin’ Eh!
Who was the strangest Bird you have ever interviewed?
Barry Davis: Biagini and Kawasaki. Would love to interview them together.
Hobo: Fuck, I’d love for Biagini to interview Kawasaki! Now, that’s pure comedy gold. Never mind with Barry in the mix too — even better. Home run answer here folks.
What’s your favourite Blue Jays moment?
Barry Davis: Bat flip and 1st WS win … Timlin to Carter for final out.
Hobo: Now, I get the whole bat flip thing, and I get the whole World Series thing, BUT how the fuck can it not be George Bell’s samurai kick to Bruce Kison, Eh!?!
It’s game seven of the World Series and the Blue Jays could go with Dave Stieb, Doc Halladay, or Pat Hentgen, who do you give the ball to? And you can’t answer the question with an emoji think face, Barry!
Barry Davis: … Oooooh tough one,
(Insert long like I drank two pints waiting for the answer kind of pause)
… but I’d have to say Halladay … the dude threw a perfect game in post season.
Hobo: I’m answering this one with an emoji think face.
Whose worst Jon Morosi or Buster Olney?
Barry Davis: Love them both.
Hobo: I love brewskis and the Birds.
Who wins in a fight Richard Griffin or Cathal Kelly?
Barry Davis: Another tough one. Based on age only, I give the nod to Cathal.
Hobo: Not a chance in holy hell, Barry. Griffin is a fuckin’ maverick and has old man strength. Griff takes this one.
Do you think Twitter is the same as a bathroom wall in a basement in a Queen St. West bar?
Barry Davis: Haven’t been in a Queen St. West bar since the 80’s, but I’d assume it’s the same.
Hobo: Nah, bathroom walls on Queens St. West have more profound shit written on them like ‘we built this city on rock n’ roll.’
If you had to choose between being stuck in a dive bar full of hosers or tattooed hipsters, what the in the holy hell are you going to do?
Barry Davis: Split my time with both and party all night.
Hobo: Well played, BUT wrong. Proper answer is neither. Brewskis, the Birds, and a radio in the park.
Do you agree with Kim Mitchell’s message in you might as well go for a soda nobody hurts and nobody cries?
Barry Davis: … Too much sugar in soda, water is a better option.
Hobo: Beer is good for the body, Barry. Beer is just good.
Do you remember your last dance with ‘Mary Jane’?
Barry Davis: She dumped me right after the song ended.
Hobo: I never knew that ‘Mary Jane’ could do that … hmm …
If you had to choose between a Labatt’s Blue or a Molson Canadian, what’s the old Barry hand gonna reach for?
Barry Davis: I was a Molson Export guy in my younger days.
Hobo: Me too, Barry. Me too. Wait, I was an anything that’s cheap kind of guy. Shit, I still am.
What’s better Planes, Trains, and Automobiles or The Great Outdoors? And you can’t soapbox this one.
Barry Davis: Planes, Trains and Automobiles … one of the best comedies ever.
Hobo: I want a FUCKING CAR RIGHT FUCKING NOW, BARRY?
… Barry goes deep to the 500 level with this answer folks.
Do you still like our team, Barry?
Barry Davis: All depends … does the team still like me?
Hobo: Does the team still like you? Of course they like you, you are goddamn Barry Davis, right? The coolest dude to ever hold a Blue Birds mic in a Rogers suit that’s for fuck sure, eh!
* * *
… So this concludes the first edition of the Hobo In The Park, I want to thank Barry Davis, because he likes our team too!
And for the next edition of this brewski and Birds series, I will be taking my beat up 1980 cream colour Chevette to the land of the Lugnuts, so get ready who knows what’s gonna come out of this Hobo’s mouth.
And remember kids, stay on the fastball, the rest is all bullshit.