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LOL: Red Sox Too Dumb To Avoid Tainting Themselves As Cheaters

Not that we needed another reason to want the Red Sox to go and fuck right off, but in an exclusive scoop published Tuesday afternoon, the New York Times reported that Boston’s AL East-leading club are nothing more than a bunch of dirty fucking loathsome cheating shits.

Hooooooooooly amazing!

“Investigators for Major League Baseball have determined that the Boston Red Sox, who are in first place in the American League East and likely headed to the playoffs, executed a scheme to illicitly steal hand signals from opponents’ catchers in games against the second-place Yankees and other teams, according to several people briefed on the matter,” reports Michael S. Schmidt.

This all came about because the Yankees filed a complaint with the commissioner’s office. And this, Schmidt tells us, isn’t “Man In White” bullshit, either — which is to say, it isn’t unbelievable horse-shitting nonsense built on the flimsiest of statistical premises rife with gigantic blind spots.

“Baseball investigators corroborated the Yankees’ claims based on video the commissioner’s office uses for instant replay and broadcasts, the people said.”

“The Red Sox told league investigators that team personnel scanning instant-replay video were sending the pitch signs electronically to the trainers, who were then passing the information to the players.”

Ruh-roh!

Now, obviously in these parts we can’t get too high up on our proverbial horses about sign stealing. Cito Gaston was allegedly a master of reading pitchers tells and, when possible, stealing signs — something he apparently passed on to protegés like Carlos Delgado and Roberto Alomar. Those two World Series banners hanging in centre field may not be there if not for this kind of thing. But there are two very important differences between such gamesmanship and what we’re talking about with the Red Sox: 1) there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the players on the field trying to read another team’s signs — it is, in fact, entirely part of the game — and 2) allegedly.

The stupid, stinking Red Sox, meanwhile, have been caught red handed. LOL! Master doofus John Farrell, though he claims no knowledge of the electronic scheme himself, has some serious explaining to do. “It is unclear what penalties, if any, Commissioner Rob Manfred will issue against the Red Sox and whether he will order a more expansive investigation to determine the extent of the Red Sox’ sign-stealing system,” we’re told.

The “if any” bit is sort of the rub here, because… what on earth would or could Manfred actually do? I’d love to see actual forfeited wins or the team being banned from the playoffs — something that shows that the league actually takes the matter seriously, which I think is probably in order given what technology makes possible for those who are dumb enough, and lacking in confidence enough, to actually feel the need to cheat like this — but do I have any hope whatsoever of awesomely draconian measures? I do not.

Mostly, then, it’s just kinda fucking amazingly hilarious. I mean, you’re tainted now, dipshits! Every accomplishment of this season, every win, every walk-off, everything you from here through the playoffs — tainted! You’ll never wash this stink off, Red Sox. You couldn’t do it on your own — and it’s been verified, confirmed, and printed in the goddamn New York Times. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I don’t care how statistically dubious or prevalent throughout the game it might be!

(Oh, and for the sake of completeness I should noted that the Red Sox organization, like the children caught with their hands in the cookie jar that they are, have responded to the Yankees’ claims by “filing a complaint against the Yankees, claiming that the team uses a camera from its television network, YES, exclusively to steal signs during games.” Bahahahahaha. Sure! Fine! Fuck you both!)

  • Teddy Ballgame

    I’m not bothered by it. It’s a fun story, but I feel the same as if the “man in white” story ended up being true. Stealing signs is part of baseball, and it was only a matter of time before some team tried using technology (hell, I doubt the Sox are the only team that has tried it). Hit ’em with a fine, and let ’em be shamed, and that should be the end of it.

  • Jeff2sayshi

    The big issue with it is the in game portion of it. But, watching last night’s game, you can see TVs of the game in the red sox dugout, and we know they have in the clubhouse. Nothing is stopping teams from doing this slightly more old school and just having a guy watch the regular TV feed.

  • Barry

    The problem MLB faces here is that stealing signs is not against the rules. It violates “unwritten rules” and “The Code.” But to my knowledge, there is nothing in the MLB rulebook that actually prohibits stealing signs, even with electronic aids. So, if they’re going to enforce, the first thing they have to do is create a rule.

    • The Humungus

      I believe the issue is that MLB teams are not allowed to have electronic devices in the dugout, which is what the Red Sox have been accused of and admitted to. So, stealing signs is legal by any means, unless you’re using technological devices in the dugout to relay that information.

        • The Humungus

          It’s still a great point. Stealing signs is awesome. Remember when the Jays rocked Cueto in 2015, twice, because he was so terrified of “The Man In White” that he was calling the game from the mound and the Jays batters knew literally every pitch he was throwing? The best.

  • lukewarmwater

    Barry summed it up nicely. Great to see the Jays make the Red Sox crowd dwindle down to less than a thousand as it was past 1:00 a.m. in bean town. Out here in God’s country it was a respectable 10:00 p.m. Not concerned about Osuna who has indeed struggled since the all-star break as has Barnes. An off season of rest and hopefully he can get help with the anxiety problems. Just a tremendous young pitcher who has set records as a closer for his age.
    Now I read and heard some of the negative nellies complaining about the fact that the coach decided not to pinch run for 37 year old Joey Batts in extra innings.
    As I’ve stated this is a month of experimentation and also a month of tributes to a truly great Jay player. Show him some respect as it was a close play at the plate.