Let’s Start A Petition For John Gibbons BBQ Sauce

So, we are one beer-soaked (or whatever the hell you drink-soaked) weekend away from Opening Day against the dumb Yankees. And it’s pretty rock n’ roll to know that the shitty winter weather is almost over for another year and soon it will be backyard BBQ time or up at the cottage BBQ time – just some good ol’ fashion BBQ time.

That’s rock-the-casbah right. We all know it’s great to light that motherfucker up and toss on some savage delicacies. If you’re hardcore and you do it in the winter, you know it sucks and it isn’t relaxing while you stand there in the fucking cold trying to stay warm from the heat of the grill, but all that will soon be over. I guess the really shitty thing about this year’s BBQ season is that Jerry Howarth’s voice won’t fill the air in Canadian backyards, but it will still be good times nonetheless. #ThankYouJerry

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So, baseball merchandise season is in full swing and every fan is checking out the online catalogue of new caps (check out the Bisons’ Sunday affiliation cap), and fans are excited to spend their hard-earned cash-rules-everything-around-MLB on some dope new gear.

Now, I like to go for my vintage Jays caps, a bit of an obsession. I should buy a new one because last summer, I thought it would be a good idea to ride my bike along the waterfront from downtown Toronto to the Beaches in 40-degree weather, and I absolutely destroyed one of my favourite Jays cap in doing so by sweating through it. So, a new vintage cap and the Bisons’ Sunday cap are definitely on my list for this year.

But, there is one damn thing that the Blue Jays merchandise think team hasn’t thought up and that’s some good ol’ John Gibbons BBQ sauce. I think it’s time for us fans to start a petition for this and make it happen. I haven’t done the market research on this one, and I have no idea how the sales would be, so it’s all speculation, but I have a hard time believing that this sauce wouldn’t fly off the Blue Jays shelves.

The fact is, John Gibbons is the coolest American League manager today. Sure, we don’t always agree with his stoic ways and laissez-faire approach, and some might argue it’s ol’ Gibbers’ fault that the good Birds of Summer lost the ALCS in 2015. But, whatever… it’s all blah blah blah in yesterday’s wind. It’s time to move forward and press on.

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BBQ sauce and Gibbers go together like Bob and Doug McKenzie, Ricky and Julian, Wayne and Garth, and John Candy and a Jamaican bobsled team. It all just makes so much sense. I’ve never been so sure of something in my entire life.

Gibby is the best. He chews gum cool. His lean-and-lounge game breaks the lean-and-lounge game barriers. He likes to pack the odd dip – I think he pinches some chew from Smoak, but I have no evidence to back up this claim. And now he even rocks glasses:

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If ol’ Gibbers thought that he saw a shit load of garbage calls last season, wait for this season. Apparently, Gibby ejection projections at FanGraphs will most definitely be going up now. Anyway…

If MLB teams were to market something cool that reflects their team’s manager, BBQ sauce is John Gibbons and John Gibbons is BBQ sauce and you might as well toss in a John Gibbons BBQ apron into the package too. It’s not like anyone would want to buy shitty Buck Showalter BBQ sauce – probably some ‘baby’ sunscreen. But, remember: he is not a baby.

The Baltimore Trash Birds present shitty Shiwalter baby sunscreen giveaway day.

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“I’m not a baby.” Anywho…

Now, a lot of the younger managers in the MLB could probably sell some sort of shitty, positive thinking, self-help – books, or a new kind of protein shake, but ol’ Gibbers is all about the BBQ.

I think that the only problem that the marketing team would have is deciding on what picture of the old skip to use for the bottle and what flavor. Like what would ‘bold’ Gibby look like? Maybe this?

I dunno, how about this:

I think that when it all came together, and the sauce hit the shelves, it would be one popular item on the damn grocery list. Listen, it’s Friday. Friday’s are fun pretend-to-work days, so go around your office and start spreading the word.

Let’s get a goddamn ‘we want Gibby BBQ sauce’ petition going. And on top of that, if we could somehow make this happen, let’s get super altruistic and do the right thing and demand that all the proceeds go to Jays Care because Gibby is the best.