So, we have finally arrived at the greatest goddamn day of the year. And who could argue that it’s not – like, seriously. Opening Day is better than birthdays, your kid’s birthday, your grandparent’s 60th wedding anniversary, Super Bowl Sunday, your best friend’s wedding, your own wedding, graduation, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, WrestleMania, the birth of your first born, the premiere of the new Star Wars, and all the other awe-like-days of the year.
It’s also a well-known fact that Opening Day represents everything that is good in humanity, like hope, new life, peace, no-nos, bat-flips, and exit velocities. It marks the beginning of a new season of advanced math that fans can use in threads to prove that they are right and you are wrong. Holy shit! It’s that time of the year again.
We are all about to embark on a whole new season of bantering, which is better than the shitty offseason Alex-Anthopoulos-is-better-than-Mark-Shapiro bantering – or the Mark-Shapiro-and-Ross-Atkins-shit bantering or any of the other blah blah shit that has kept us all talking and thinking about baseball in the dire winter months.
So, here we are a few short hours from the gates opening at the place we all call Dome and I think that it’s important to remember how not to be that asshole at the game – not that any of you are…. So, here’s a fresh set of rules to ensure you have a fun asshole-free time at the game.
SECTION 1 – DON’T BE THAT ASSHOLE
1.1 Don’t be that asshole who swears and screams – during the entire game – when there are children and families around you because that’s just not cool – seriously. And it’s not cool even if there aren’t any kids around. We don’t like the sound of your voice as much as you do.
1.2 Don’t be that asshole who swears a lot when just shooting the baseball breeze with your buddy if there are kids sitting near you because that’s just not fucking cool either. And believe me, I know this because I have the mouth of an ex-fucking-sailor who now drives fucking trucks for a living and I always make sure to put my effing PG-13 filter on, no matter how many shitty beers I might have had.
1.3 Don’t be that drunk asshole who feels the need to talk to everyone that’s around you in your section because a lot of people paid their hard-earned money to watch the baseball game, not to talk to a drunken stranger.
SECTION 2 – DRINKING
2.1 It’s fun to go out for drinks before the game, but never get 10-sheets to the fucking wind before the game starts. It never ends well.
2.2 Drinks might be incredibly expensive at Uncle Ted’s stadium, but still tip the hard-working people who have nothing to do with the cost of the drink and are just trying to make ends meet.
2.3 Don’t complain about the price of a drink to the people selling your drink. That’s just stupid.
2.4 Never throw a beer can onto the field; that’s what knuckleheads do. Do you want to be that knucklehead?
SECTION 3 – THE WAVE
3.1 The only humans that get a pass for starting the wave are kids because kids are cute and it makes them so happy to watch the wave they started circle around the Dome. No sober or drunk adult should stand up out of their seat, turn around and look at the crowd, begin yelling 1-2-3, and then throw their hands up into the air. Once again, we all paid to watch a baseball game and when you stand up and do this, it makes it hard for us to see the field and we’re all thinking, ‘look at this fuckin’ clown.’
SECTION 4 – DON’T BE THAT CLOWN
4.1 Don’t be that clown who runs across the field. If you’re a bit drunk and your friends dare you to do this, don’t do it – it never ends well.
4.2 Don’t be that clown who steals a foul ball from a kid because the cameras are watching and all of Canada will see you and you will be that person when you go to work the next day. And who wants to be that person?
4.3 Don’t be that clown who spends their whole time taking selfies and not watching the game because that shit frustrates the hell out of the people sitting behind you, who actually paid money to watch the game and not advertise that they are there on social media.
4.4 Don’t be that clown who takes pictures of someone trying to enjoy the game while eating a fucking delicious sandwich because that shit can spread all over the Internet and then people will use that picture whenever you’re going to *cough* be a speaker at Pitch Talks and that’s just BAD – or good.
SECTION 5 – ENJOY THE GAME
5.1 Enjoy the baseball game with a little bit of fun mixed in with a little bit of good old-fashioned manners.
5.2 Drink some overpriced beers, eat some overpriced peanuts, and boo and hiss the dumb Yankees, shitty Red Sox, and Buck ‘I’m not a baby’ Showalter’s stupid Trash Birds.
5.3 Whenever Gibby goes out to dispute a call by a shitty umpire, show your support for ol’ Gibbers and stand out of your seat and let that umpire know Gibby is right and that he made a dumb call (but as per Section 1, keep the language family friendly.)
5.4 If you’re going to fatten the pockets of Rogers, make sure you have a good time doing it, but remember you are not the center of the universe. There are other people there too.
Baseball season is back motherfuckers and today is the greatest day of the year. And even though we may not agree with each other’s opinions about some shit and we may go back and forth debating baseball things all year long, it’s always in good fun.
One thing we do have in common is that we love baseball, we love to have a good time, and we all think that we’re right. So, here’s to another season Blue Jays Nation. Let’s continue to take the piss out of each other, let’s enjoy some baseball this year, and let’s have some fucking fun.