Sometimes when I think of what my hell would be like I imagine being trapped in a nightclub that blasts EDM, or any kind of dance music, and there is no way out. Imprisoned there forever. I can’t imagine anything worse than that infernal space. That’s why I try to do my best not to get blocked on Twitter.
Now, unfortunately, my baseball hell is happening today minus the whole dance music angle because Boston and New York are on top of the AL East and going nowhere – for now. It’s as bad as being confined in a nightclub for eternity, maybe worse. For the past couple of years, I’ve had ominous visions about what my baseball life would be like when Manny Machado or Bryce Harper sign with the dumb Yankees or the shitty Red Sox.
I used to imagine a future Harper and Machado AL Beast feasting on helpless teams nine innings at a time. And when the Yankees did Yankee things last offseason and their ol’ friend Derek Jeter sent them Stanton, as a thank you gift for the career he had wearing those pinstripes, I couldn’t help but think what it would be like if they ended up signing Harper, too.
I knew that the Yankees probably wouldn’t do that because of all the outfield talent that they have, but…the Yankees do what the Yankees want because it’s a Yankee kind of world. These were terrible thoughts – horrifying, really. And then I would think, what if the Yankees decided to get in on Manny Machado? These were terrible thoughts, too – horrifying, really.
This fear and trepidation followed me during these bleak winter days. I’d imagine both of these young superstars inserted into the line up of New York or Boston. Machado in Boston. Harper in New York. Harper in Boston. Machado in New York. Even though I knew that both of these organizations didn’t really need them, I figured for the sake of the fuck you at least one of these front offices would do it just because they can.
So I say get those goddamn Ray-Bans out because the sun is shining on Toronto and the baseball clouds are screaming hallelujah: Manny Machado and Bryce Harper did not sign with the dumb Yankees and shitty Red Sox.
MANNY MACHADO AND BRYCE HARPER ARE IN THE NATIONAL LEAGUE…For like the next 100 years – maybe.
Some people might think that San Diego and Philadelphia are the big winners this year. But, I say eff that shit. You want to know who the real big winners are: The Jays are the big winners. They’re the goddamn big winners. All those John-Carpenter-like visions I had of Harper and Machado being in the AL East are over. And that is a good enough reason for me to crack open a good bottle of mineral water and celebrate because I just quit smoking and I can’t have a drink-drink because then I will smoke and that’s not good because smoking is bad. I think we should all stand on our balconies, or walk into the middle of our quiet suburban streets and yell at the top of our lungs, “WE’RE THE BIG WINNERS GODDAMN IT! WE’RE THE GODDAMN BIG WINNERS!”
The Jays front office hasn’t done much this offseason, but make all the Jays-shouldn’t-sign-Bryce-Harper fans out there happy. But, I’m not going to let that spoil my party. No siree Bob. I’m happy that all those people are happy and can sleep better knowing that the Jays are fully committed to the ‘rebuild’ and would never waste their money signing one of the youngest superstars in free agency, especially a player who would have filled a big gigantic hole in the outfield. Signing a young exciting player is bad.
The hard and thorough work of the affluent MLB organizations in Philadelphia and San Diego have made all of my dreams come true because it’s not like Toronto was going to do that this year. So, I want to thank both of these front offices for not allowing my baseball nightmare to become a reality and spit me into the abyss. And also for the hope that this isn’t a Yankee world that I live in, even though it often feels like it is.