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A guide for how to behave at baseball games

To begin the 2018 Blue Jays season, I wrote ‘A Guide On How Not To Be That Person At A Blue Jays Game‘. It was to help every human out there who might unknowingly be that person. It happens. It’s okay. We all have our flaws.

This thorough guide took me months to create. The walls in my kitchen were covered in yellow post-it notes. I felt like I was Peter Falk in Columbo. I’d stay up late every night, sipping coffee, chain smoking cigarettes (because I used to smoke dumb cigarettes), and think about the perfect moral and ethical directives. Each section mattered. Each word specifically chosen. It was a Magna Carta for Jays fans. All this hard work resulted in rules like this:

1.1 Don’t be that asshole who swears and screams – during the entire game – when there are children and families around you because that’s just not cool – seriously. And it’s not cool even if there aren’t any kids around. We don’t like the sound of your voice as much as you do.

And this:

2.1 It’s fun to go out for drinks before the game, but never get 10-sheets to the wind before the game starts. It never ends well.

And my personal favourite:

5.3 Whenever Gibby goes out to dispute a call by a shitty umpire, show your support for ol’ Gibbers and stand out of your seat and let that umpire know Gibby is right and that he made a dumb call (but as per Section 1, keep the language family friendly.)

So, this year I thought about revising this guide, but you can’t revise perfection. There’s no delete button that can fix this beauty. The only thing not relevant today is Section 5.3 because this year the Jays pay Gibby to sit on his ass and be Gibby at home.

If you need to look over some of the rules from the greatest Jays guide ever written, I’ve included a link at the top. You don’t have to be that person ever again.

This year I want to change things up and give you a ‘What To Do Guide’ because sometimes you need to do things and you just don’t do them.

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SECTION 1 – CALL THEM ALL UP YOU COWARDS 

1.1 I can’t stress how important it is that you chant ‘Call. Vlad. Up.’ every game until Vlad gets called up. I expect to hear Jays fans bellow out these three words, especially during the Home Opener. It’s important that you let Toronto’s front office know that you know it’s bullshit – oblique strain or not.

1.2 When Bo Bichette is clearly ready to be called up and he’s mashing at Triple-A, I can’t stress how important it is that you chant ‘Call. Bo. Up.’ every game until Bo gets called up. (This rule applies to Cavan Biggio, too)

1.3 Make lots of ‘Call Them All Up’ posters.

SECTION 2 – MAKE SURE TO DO EVERYTHING IN SECTION 1

2.1 It’s critical that if you attend a Jays game that you do everything in Section 1.

2.2 It’s more critical that you start a ‘Call. Up. Vlad.’ chant at every game until he gets called up.

2.3 It’s even more critical that the ‘Call. Up. Vlad.’ chant echoes throughout the Rogers Centre on March 28th.

SECTION 3 – TIP ROCKIN’ RICK DONALDSON

3.1 Go down to Gates 5 and 6 and support Rockin’ Rick Donaldson. Toss him a loonie, a toonie, or a Laurier.

3.2 Don’t be afraid to dance when he drums up his ‘Let’s Go Blue Jays’ beat. I have cut some SkyDome concrete in the past. I was a couple sheets to the wind, but Rockin’ Rick loved it. And I gave him a Laurier.

SECTION 4 – DON’T WAIT OVER A HALF HOUR FOR A FIVE DOLLAR BEER

4.1 The line up for the Dugout Deals will be long. Don’t wait over a half hour for a five dollar beer. It’s not worth it.

SECTION 5 – DON’T WAIT OVER A HALF HOUR FOR FIVE DOLLAR SNACKS

5.1 The line up for the Dugout Deals will be long. Don’t wait over a half hour for five dollar snacks. Bring in your own snacks. It’s cheaper.

SECTION 6 – JOSÉ JOSÉ JOSÉ JOSÉ 

6.1 If the Jays are losing bad and the game is boring, start up a ‘José…José…José…José’ chant because it’s fun. It’s a sure way to make friends.

6.2 If the Jays are winning and the game is great, start up a ‘José…José…José…José’ chant because it’s fun. It’s a sure way to make friends.

6.3 If you’re walking up the terrible concrete path to the 500 section and you feel like being funny, don’t yell out a dumb Ric Flair ‘Woooo’. Instead you should always sing ”José…José…José…José’. Ric Flair ‘Wooos’ are unoriginal. You are not.

SECTION 7 – EAT SAUSAGE 

7.1 If you’re from out of town and making your way to Toronto to watch the Jays, eat a sausage on Front St. near the entrance to the Dome. If you’re not sure where that is, it’s beside The Pint – The Nation Network’s Bar. Those sausages are better than the ones along Bremner Blvd. (This section was paid for by our Nation Network sponsors.)

SECTION 8 – GO TO BISONS GAMES

8.1 If you are within driving distance to Buffalo, make the trip to Sahlen’s Field. The Opening Day Buffalo Bisons are going to be better than the Opening Day Jays.

8.2 (Tip of the cap to my St. Catharines friend ‘The Humungus’) The Bisons are accepting Canadian money at par for purchase of 2019 single-game tickets made by April 30. And Canadian cash is also accepted as par for concession in April, too. So, Rule 8.2 is to go to a Bisons game and pay Canadian money for a beer and drink for free.

8.3 If you do section 8.2, get home safely.

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The 2019 baseball season is finally here. Let’s continue to take the piss out of each other, let’s enjoy some baseball, and let’s have some fucking fun. Here’s to another year of waiting to win a World Series.