To quote the legendary Macho Man Randy Savage, “Need a little excitement? Then snap into a Slim Jim.” And truer words have never been spoken.
Now, you might be wondering what the heck does this have to do with anything Jays related. Or maybe you’re thinking that this is a strange way to lead into a baseball article. And, indeed, it is. But, today is Opening Day. Today, we get to eat the goddamn Slim Jim. And we’ve been waiting to snap into it all winter long.
Now, I thought about beginning this post by quoting the lyrics from the theme song for Cheers, but I tossed that idea in the can. It makes me feel kind of nostalgic and sad. There is no time to be sad on Opening Day. There’s no time to be tired either. Today is all about the wired.
As you noticed from the title of the article, what you are about to read is a bold prediction piece. Yes. It’s another bold prediction piece. I know that there aren’t enough of these circulating the internet right now, which is why it’s important to add one more to the pile of bold prediction pieces out there. Maybe you’re getting a bit tired of prediction season. But, I’m all in on the wired.
So, Cam and I thought it’d be better to make our boldest predictions for the 2019 season ‘tired and wired’. You can’t have the one without the other. Please feel free to add your ‘tired and wired’ bold predictions in the comment section. We definitely want to here your wildest thoughts. We reached out to Twitter and will be adding some of that crazy in here, too.
Tired: The Jays finish the season with 76 wins.
Wired: The Jays win 90 games and clinch the second wild card spot. And beat Boston in the Wild Card game to move onto the ALDS.
Tired: Aaron Sanchez has finger issues again and struggles not to bleed on baseballs.
Wired: Aaron Sanchez doesn’t hurt his finger on his luggage. He wins 20 games and punches in over 200 innings. He works off his electric fastball and has command of his secondary stuff. Beat writers talk about how great his change up is all season long. He is named the AL All-Star starter. He wins the Cy Young. And he pitches a no-no against Boston in the Wild Card game.
Tired: The Blue Jays offer Kevin Pillar a five-year extension.
Wired: Kevin Pillar takes a magical pill that allows him to steal Joey Votto’s hitting skills. He puts up Votto numbers. The Jays trade Pillar at the deadline to the San Diego Padres for Mackenzie Gore who is their top pitching prospect.
Tired: Elvis Luciano is let go and returns to Kansas City.
Wired: After the Yankees and Red Sox murder Elvis’ soul, he digs himself a big hole somewhere in South America, but no one knows the exact location. He lays in it for months.
He never pitches again because of Toronto’s selfish decision to add him to the 25-man roster when clearly he is not Major League ready. Toronto’s front office destroys his development and his baseball career.
Elvis Luciano ends up being remembered as the kid who went straight from Rookie Ball to the MLB by skipping every level in the minors, but then vanished after being released by the Jays.
Ross Atkins, the same GM who said Vlad isn’t Major League ready because he needs time in Triple-A, sticks by his decision to keep Luciano around. He goes on record in an interview with Mike Wilner and says that player development is different for each player. And that he doesn’t regret his decision with Elvis.
In 5 years, Richard Griffin leaves the Blue Jays organization and pens a novel ‘Is Elvis Alive?’ It becomes a national bestseller. We all buy a copy.
Tired: Travis Bergen pitches great in San Francisco and gets selected to represent the Giants in the All-Star game. He goes onto pitch fifteen solid seasons in the Bay. He is a first ballot HOFer. I end up penning a novel called ‘Toronto’s Rule-5 Fuck Up’. Not many people buy it.
Wired: He’s returned to the Jays.
Tired: Jeff Blair says things like this:
Jeff Blair: "I don't think Vlad Jr is gonna be the superstar people want him to be"
— JasonTBJ (@BluJays__) March 26, 2019
Wired: Jeff Blair blocks me on Twitter for calling him a nonsensical contrarian clown.
Tired: Vlad is overweight.
Wired: Vlad is thicc.
Tired: Vlad starts in the All-Star game and wins Rookie of the Year.
Wired: Bo starts in the All-Star game and wins Rookie of the Year.
Tired: The Blue Jays infield.
Wired: The Bisons infield.
Tired: The Blue Jays bullpen sucks.
Wired: Ken Giles pitches every inning out of the ‘pen – punching in 200 plus scoreless innings. He’s the first ever reliever to do this in the MLB. And the first ever Jays reliever to win the Cy Young.
Tired: Bud Norris
Wired: Kenny Powers
Tired: Charlie Montoyo and the new management do a terrific job this year.
Wired: John Gibbons with the help of Tim Leiper, and DeMarlo Hale, kidnap Charlie and his crew when the Jays are in Arlington, Texas. John Gibbons plants mind-control microchips into all of their ears. He built them in the offseason using Coors Light bottle caps. The microchips are only active during baseball games because John Gibbons is a good guy, and he doesn’t want to ruin their lives. He just wants to coach the Jays with Leiper and DeMarlo.
Ol’ Gibbers, Leiper, and DeMarlo manage the Jays into the postseason from Gibbers’ ranch. Charlie Montoyo wins Manager of the Year. He begins his acceptance speech with…”Yup..ol’ Charlie always knew he’d win one of these.”
Tired: You go to the the stadium and spend $100 to get hot dogs and beers.
Wired: You go to the stadium and get a $1 hot dog and some $5 beers.
Tired: Marcus Stroman and Aaron Sanchez hate each other and both players have terrible seasons because they compete to see who can have a more fucked up blister.
Wired: Marcus Stroman and Aaron Sanchez become best friends again and both pitch so well the Jays are in playoff contention.
— Marcus Stroman (@MStrooo6) March 27, 2019
Tired: Selling off assets at the trade deadline in order to add to the prospect pool.
Wired: Buying at the deadline because Stroman and Sanchez being good coupled with great play from Vlad and other Large Adult Sons result in the Jays being Actually Good.
Here’s what they are saying on Twitter:
Bo Bichette provides more WAR in 2019 than Vlad Guerrero Jr.
— BVH (@BVHJays) March 27, 2019
Travis Bergen will be returned to the Blue Jays.
— Minor Leaguer (@Minor_Leaguer) March 27, 2019
Ken Giles posts a sub 3.00 ERA and is an All-Star.
— Joshua (@JoshuaHowsam) March 27, 2019
Teoscar Hernandez will be our representative at the all star game.
— Jason (@jasonteeps) March 27, 2019
Atkins provides the actual answer to a question he is asked
— Marc Uger (@MarcUger) March 27, 2019
That’s all the tired and wired for this year’s 2019 predictions piece. It’s your turn now. But, before you think up something awesome to post in the comment section. I’m starting to suddenly feel a bit nostalgic. I mean, here we are another baseball season about to start – still waiting for a World Series.
We’re standing at the beginning of a new baseball path, and not even the smartest of asses has any idea where it leads. When I look to the unknown future, I can’t help but remember the past that has led me to where I am today…Because making your way in the world today takes everything you got. Taking a break from all your worries, it sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away?
Happy Opening Day, friends. Cheers.