7

Hey Charlie – Let’s talk about bunting

Hey Charlie ol’ Gibbers here,

I know that you’re off to a real rough start. Heck, I’d even say a shitty start if ya want me to be honest with ya – sorry about the cuss. I’m trying to keep the language a lil’ more PG-13. Good ol’ Mrs. Gibbers doesn’t like me cussin’ much around the house, so I’ll try to keep it clean in this letter.

Anyway, I’d be cussin’ up a goddamn lot of cusses if I were still managing the Jays though. But, ol’ Gibbers doesn’t manage the Jays, so ol’ Gibbers doesn’t have to cuss. And apparently Mrs. Gibbers thinks that I talk too much in the third person, so ol’ Gibbers is gonna stop doing that now, too. Yup, that’s what retirement looks like Charlie.

No cussin’. No talkin’ in the third person.

I don’t have any projects on the go right now. I usually like to keep my hands busy by building time machines or teleportation phone booths or just gettin’ into some good ol’ fashion mischief. So with all this free time, I’ve been leanin’ in my chair, sippin’ tall cans of Coors Light, and watchin’ the Blue Jays.

I feel for ya Charlie because the hittin’ has been so dry that the damn catfish are carrying canteens. Heck, so dry the ducks don’t know how to swim. I mean, what would a duck that doesn’t know how to swim look like anyway, Charlie? Kevin Pillar in the batter’s box? Me and Demarlo used to call him Mr. Golden Sombrero. Lucky for you, you don’t have to worry about Mr. Golden Sombrero. He’s in San Francisco.

So getting hits has been as scarce as trying to find meat at some hipster vegan restaurant. But, don’t settle for tofu bacon, Charlie.Tofu bacon is dumb. It doesn’t make any sense. I mean, why would any vegetarian want to eat anything that tries to taste like meat anyway? I don’t like vegetables, so I’m not about to try and find meat that tastes like vegetables.

Where was I, Charlie? Sometimes I get going on something and forget the thing that I was trying to get going on. Ah….That’s right: Tofu bacon. Tofu bacon is like bunting. Don’t bunt, Charlie. Don’t tofu bacon – only bacon. That’s what sizzles. Haven’t you watched ‘Moneyball’? Good movie.

Your bats are slumpin’ that’s for damn sure, so I’m gonna give you some advice: If your ballplayers are slumpin’, trick ’em because it helps wake them all up. When I managed the Capital City Bombers, I told them I was gonna take them to Applebee’s and treat them on our day off. Some team building stuff, ya know. The guys were stuck in a big o-fer. But, instead I got the bus driver to take us to an ol’ burned-out ranch. “Goddamn,” I said, “Applebee’s burned down.” They weren’t too happy. But, they started swingin’ the ol twigs the rest of the season.

I have to be honest with you, another thing that has had me humming and hawing and scratching the ol’ head is your lineup, so I’ve gotta ask: Are you tossing darts at the roster and deciding that way? I mean, sometimes Davey Johnson would do that to decide who was batting for the Mets. But, everyone on that team was good. I don’t get what’s happening here. Is it a Tampa thing? Or just the team is shitty right now thing? I’m bettin’ on the ol’ latter. Demarlo thinks it’s a Tampa thing.

Some people have questioned your bullpen management, too. And that’s okay. People questioned a lot of my decisions, it comes with the ol’ skip territory. But, everyone knows that I knew how to manage a bullpen. Leiper used to call me ‘Pen Master G’. Mrs. Gibbers thinks the nickname is dumb.

I don’t.

If you’re not really sure who to warm up or who to use, just think of the ‘Pen Master’. And ask yourself, ‘what would ol’ Gibbers do?’ I used to do that whenever I wasn’t sure about what to do. I didn’t ask myself what I would do, but I’d ask myself what would Davey Johnson do? And Davey Johnson wouldn’t bunt.

I didn’t bunt.

Anyway, you’re a busy guy, Charlie – I don’t want to take up too much more of your time. Right now, your hitting stinks like a fish market in the middle of the desert. Your starting pitching is as hot as that sun in the desert that makes those damn fish stink. Sooner than later you’re gonna have a thicc bat in your lineup, so just be patient and keep tossing those darts. And stay away from the goddamn tofu bacon for fuck sakes. There’s no goddamn reason for it, Charlie.

Sincerely,

John