Claim a better moment, Texas

Fort Worth Star-Telegram
Today’s Fort Worth Star-Telegram, image via.

Texas is amazing. Let’s get that out of the way first. At least the parts of it that are precisely-the-city-of-Austin-and-nowhere-else are. The rest I can’t really speak to, save for the “Fox News” magazine stand at DFW or the gas station I once spent 10 minutes searching high and low for booze in before being informed I was in a dry county. So don’t get me wrong here, Texas. I say this with love. But the way you hold up Rougned Odor’s punch to Jose Bautista’s jaw as some kind of achievement or act of karmic retribution to be proud of is embarrassing.

Yes, I’m a Blue Jays fan, so this will undoubtedly not convince anybody, and I’m sure my sincerity will be questioned here. But I really do mean it! And… it’s just… holy shit, you guys. Odor got a clean, square, everything-he-had punch to Bautista’s jaw and he couldn’t even knock him over — despite the sad attempt in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram caption above to claim otherwise.

In other words: Odor landed a punch. Whoopty fuck.

It was a nice punch, sure, if that’s really what you want to hang your hat on. (Yay violence?) Don’t get me wrong on that. Bautista looked a bit dazed, and maybe if Adrian Beltre doesn’t step in Odor would have been able to throw a few more “haymakers” (lol) and get done the job he should have been able to with his one clean shot. But Nolan Ryan feeding fists to dipshit-child Robin Ventura this was not. And yet you celebrate it like it is?

I guess I just thought you were tougher than this, Texas. I thought you were cooler. I guess that’s my bad.

Hey, but at least your guy fought for your honour, and the honour of all sore losers incapable of being angry with themselves so they take it out on the winner for some perceived slight! Oh, did the Blue Jays not win properly enough for you? OH I A TEXAS RANGERS MAN AM SAD BLOOOO BLOOOO BLOOO

I’m telling you, this is not a good look for you guys. You’re Texas, dammit! Try to going about it with some dignity!

And I mean, ultimately you don’t really need me, of all people, to tell you the fetishising of this act of violence in the name of the sorest losery imaginable is deeply pathetic, do you? You are Texas. You know this! You have bigger and better and less embarrassing things to be proud of, I assure you. Your hats, for example. And your weird bean-less chili.

I wish your Rangers good luck in this series, Texas. I really do. I’m terrified of Hamels and Darvish, and I really am saying all this as your friend. It’s just… jeez. You lost. Let it go.