So the other day the great holy-goat-of-bat-flip-sultans, Mr. Jose Bautista, tied Joe Carter for 4th place on the all-time RBI list of Bird awesome and has since then passed him.
And speaking of Carter, every goddamn Birds fan out there knows that the good ol’ Canadian Rothschild family — er… I mean, the Rogers ‘Ted and Ed’ dynasty — should dedicate and build a Bautista bat-flip statue to stand next to an Alomar fingers-to-the-sky monument, which should also stand next to a leaping Joe ‘touch ‘em all’ Carter piece-of-some-type-of-polished-copper-of-Northern-awesomeness too. BUT none of those stands proudly at the Rogers Centre, does it? And why the Jesus Murphy jambuster not? Heck, I type all this up with some passion as I try to avoid a good ol’ fashion cuss because this is meant to be a polite Canadian Birds tribute, BUT why not put a fucking George Bell to the knees arms to the sky statue of Canadian 1985 cool too, eh!
Now, if you have found yourself walking around the ol’ Dome of Rogers, you may have, of course, noticed the statue of Ted, which stands like a stoic monument to the hard working ways of blue collar people — holding files under his arm as he stands strong in his suit! — in front of the church that the Birds built, eh? That’s right: THE CHURCH THAT THE BIRDS BUILT. Ridiculous! But I digress. I’m not going to let this piece turn down that fuck Rogers road. Because this is a piece intended to celebrate the awesome memories that our players of the present and the past have created for all of us Canadians. Because when the Montreal Expos sadly folded in 2004, our Toronto Blue Jays spread their wings to officially be Canada’s Birds of summer. (And no not those goddamn Canadian Geese who will attack and hiss at you while you’re trying to just have a peaceful walk in a good ol’ Canadian park, eh!)
And even though this is a hockey nation, it’s also Blue Jays Nation, isn’t it? And though the world looks upon us Canadians as a bunch of friendly hosers, we certainly can be unfriendly to each other via Blue Jays Twitter feeds and Internet Threads across the wide Canadian web of Blue Jays Blogs and Reddit threads, am I right???
But maybe we can be so uncanadian toward one another because we’re just so damn passionate about our Birds! We all think we know better than the other. And isn’t it great that we can all chirp each other, as we flex our almighty emoji biceps trying to prove to our fellow toque wearing, beer sipping, Blue Jays cap wearing hosers that I-know-how-to-Blue-Jays-think-better-than-you!
Now, we all have different favourite Birds memories all — usually depending on how old as fuck you are, eh!
Maybe it’s the epic April 7, 1977 opening snow day for the Birds of summer who beat the White Sox 9 – 5 to kick off the awesome baseball times that continue today.
It could be that epic catch by George Bell in 1985, which launched the good team to its first AL East title.
Damnit for all you older hosers, maybe it’s George Bell’s karate kick to Bruce Kison. Who knows???
But this nation has been entertained, has had their hearts ‘Royally’ broken a couple times by Kansas City, was part of chopping the hearts of Atlanta, and leaping as one nation with Joe Carter after his LF line-drive blast against Mitch Williams that had us screaming into the sky for the second year in the row!
The team has taken us through some damn good times in the 1980s, and it brought us into the early 1990’s with Canadian eh’s that echoed across America and its Yankee huh’s too! It had this old hoser screaming as he listened to the Birds come back and beat the Eck and the A’s with Alomar’s two fingers to the sky dinger, turning off my Sega and running around my room like one little squirt hopped up on too much Tahiti Treat.
Sure we were left with a morose feeling after the glory days ended with the 1994 MLB strike, which broke the hearts of all Canadian fans who saw a potential Expos/Jays World Series. But the Birds rose again for a new generation of Canadian fans who understand smartphones more than they do anything else and who offer their millennial emojis every Bird chance they get to express feelings like OMG, LOL — like I mean WTF, like, right?
We all stood strong and lost our voices to the bat-flip that immortalized Jose Bautista, and we did the same the next year to the bat drop that sent Edwin around the bags with his Edwing, as the sourpuss ninny face of Showalter sat on his ass and left his bullpen prize in the pen – thank Canadian fuck, eh!
Anyway, it’s Canada’s birthday and the Blue Jays are our country’s team, eh! And we all have our different Birds memories, don’t we?
Maybe one day our country will figure out how to do the classy thing in front of the thing we call ‘Dome’; to pay tribute to the heroes who have had us all share the same feelings in different sets of Canadian moments. It’s time for whoever ends up owning this team in the future (or just continues to own them) do the right thing and get our Canadian Birds a heroes row outside the park, am I right??
So here’s to the brewskis, the summer BBQ, and our Canadian Birds of summer! And if it makes you feel any better, the good ol’ Torono shit hawks have been spraying the old monumental shoulder of Ted Rogers like a couple of teenagers with spray paint cans in Graffiti Alley.
I get the feeling they wouldn’t do the same to a statue that made a little more sense! And hopefully one day we’ll see it — hopefully the lionizing ways of Rogers will pay tribute to the some Blue Jays GOATS and damn GOAT moments. And maybe, for both the statues, and for the team itself, ‘the best is yet to come.’
It should be! Because there is more to Canada than our Rogers bills and Ted, and it’s our Birds.