Not that we needed another reason to want the Red Sox to go and fuck right off, but in an exclusive scoop published Tuesday afternoon, the New York Times reported that Boston’s AL East-leading club are nothing more than a bunch of dirty fucking loathsome cheating shits.

Hooooooooooly amazing!

“Investigators for Major League Baseball have determined that the Boston Red Sox, who are in first place in the American League East and likely headed to the playoffs, executed a scheme to illicitly steal hand signals from opponents’ catchers in games against the second-place Yankees and other teams, according to several people briefed on the matter,” reports Michael S. Schmidt.

This all came about because the Yankees filed a complaint with the commissioner’s office. And this, Schmidt tells us, isn’t “Man In White” bullshit, either — which is to say, it isn’t unbelievable horse-shitting nonsense built on the flimsiest of statistical premises rife with gigantic blind spots.

“Baseball investigators corroborated the Yankees’ claims based on video the commissioner’s office uses for instant replay and broadcasts, the people said.”

“The Red Sox told league investigators that team personnel scanning instant-replay video were sending the pitch signs electronically to the trainers, who were then passing the information to the players.”

Ruh-roh!

Now, obviously in these parts we can’t get too high up on our proverbial horses about sign stealing. Cito Gaston was allegedly a master of reading pitchers tells and, when possible, stealing signs — something he apparently passed on to protegés like Carlos Delgado and Roberto Alomar. Those two World Series banners hanging in centre field may not be there if not for this kind of thing. But there are two very important differences between such gamesmanship and what we’re talking about with the Red Sox: 1) there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the players on the field trying to read another team’s signs — it is, in fact, entirely part of the game — and 2) allegedly.

The stupid, stinking Red Sox, meanwhile, have been caught red handed. LOL! Master doofus John Farrell, though he claims no knowledge of the electronic scheme himself, has some serious explaining to do. “It is unclear what penalties, if any, Commissioner Rob Manfred will issue against the Red Sox and whether he will order a more expansive investigation to determine the extent of the Red Sox’ sign-stealing system,” we’re told.

The “if any” bit is sort of the rub here, because… what on earth would or could Manfred actually do? I’d love to see actual forfeited wins or the team being banned from the playoffs — something that shows that the league actually takes the matter seriously, which I think is probably in order given what technology makes possible for those who are dumb enough, and lacking in confidence enough, to actually feel the need to cheat like this — but do I have any hope whatsoever of awesomely draconian measures? I do not.

Mostly, then, it’s just kinda fucking amazingly hilarious. I mean, you’re tainted now, dipshits! Every accomplishment of this season, every win, every walk-off, everything you from here through the playoffs — tainted! You’ll never wash this stink off, Red Sox. You couldn’t do it on your own — and it’s been verified, confirmed, and printed in the goddamn New York Times. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I don’t care how statistically dubious or prevalent throughout the game it might be!

(Oh, and for the sake of completeness I should noted that the Red Sox organization, like the children caught with their hands in the cookie jar that they are, have responded to the Yankees’ claims by “filing a complaint against the Yankees, claiming that the team uses a camera from its television network, YES, exclusively to steal signs during games.” Bahahahahaha. Sure! Fine! Fuck you both!)