The Jays Should Go After The Sexiest Free Agent

Reader discretion: This is a satirical post that may offend some readers. There is graphic content in this text of explicit sexual nature and risible thought.

Jays fans have been banging the ‘sign Bryce Harper you cowards’ drum all offseason. And now some fans are even banging the ‘sign Manny Machado you cowards’ drum, too. But, that’s just dumb. Don’t be dumb. Don’t do that. Don’t bang that drum. Don’t be that person. You’re better than that and you know it.

Cam Lewis has written about this quite a few times in January, which is fine. It’s not like he actually believes it. He thinks it’s a preposterous idea. Actually, he told me last June when he was in Toronto, while we were a couple sheets to the wind, that Bryce Harper and Manny Machado in a Jays uniform is about as uncool as a crazy-ass Milli Vanilli dance.

Now, since I’m being as candid as someone after a couple of drinks, why would Cam or any Jays fan really want the organization to sign Bryce Harper, who is entering his prime and is one of the best young outfielders in the game, to a multi-year contract? I mean, seriously, like the Jays need any help in the outfield. They don’t need a generational talent covering the Rogers Centre carpet. They don’t need to insert a lefty bat like that into the lineup. That’s just dumb drunk talk.

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Here’s the thing, having a 1, 2, 3 future hitting lineup punch of Bichette, Harper, and Vladdy wouldn’t help the organization. You know it. I know it. And any sensible Jays fan knows that. It doesn’t matter if it’s a 1, 2, 3 punch, or a 2, 3, 4 punch, or a 4, 5, 6 punch, it’s a weak-ass punch that would still need some more rum, in my very honest opinion.

So what if Bryce Harper is 26. Even if he were 23, it would be a waste of Rogers’ money to ink a hot-headed, toxic player like that. I care way too much about Rogers’ bottom line to see them go all bonkers and spend their cash on Bryce Harper or Manny Machado for that matter. I say let the San Diego Padres reach deep into their big spending pockets and sign the both of them, the Blue Jays are building a team for the future and signing the best young free agents in the game doesn’t make any sense at all. No. Sense. At. All. None.

Let me be as clear as the bacon grease that runs through all our veins after a weekend breakfast: there is a reason that ‘Harpado’ is still on the market and it has nothing to do with collusion. It has nothing to do with cheap billionaires. How can billionaires even be cheap? That’s dumb. It’s simply because they’re overrated and big contracts don’t work, especially big contracts for young stars who haven’t even really entered their prime years yet.

The truth is, I don’t care about what either of these two 26-year-old players, who have been collectively worth 61.2 WAR in their young careers, have done in the past or are projected to do in the future. Even if they were collectively worth a million WAR over the next ten seasons, signing either of these two players is a big mistake. Let some other MLB franchise buy low on these two duds. They won’t be good in 2021, ’22, ’23, or, ’24 when they are 28, 29, 30, and 31. That’s the wrong side of twenty. You know it, Vladdy knows it, and every other GM in the league knows it, too.

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So while every fan of every MLB team sips their ‘Harpado’ wine, the biggest and sexiest free agent is sitting on the shelf and no one is even talking about him.

Barolo Colón has been hurling baseballs in the MLB since 1997 back when Puff Daddy and Mase were tearing up the music charts. And he wants to get back on the ol’ dirt hill in 2019, so let’s make this happen Blue Jays and sign Bartolo Colón you cowards. Toronto is ready for him to bring all the sexy to the 6ix.

The 45-year-old pitcher and future first ballot hall of famer has a career 46.1 WAR and that number will continue to climb when a GM invites this proper legend to spring training and he makes the 25-man roster and does thicc things on the mound.

According to Baseball Reference, Colón, who will be 46 in May, is projected to go 8 – 11 this year, with a 5.40 ERA, and have a 1.434 WHIP. That same site projects that Marcus Stroman will go 7 – 8, post a 4.12 ERA, and have a 1.336 WHIP. That’s not a big difference at all, especially considering that Colón will put up most of those numbers as a 46-year-old stud. And Stroman won’t be a Jay in August.

Colón, who was born in 1973 back when Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro were making movies like Mean Streets, could be the perfect fit here in Toronto. The team isn’t going to win anything right now and signing Bryce Harper and Manny Machado is just dumb because the organization should save that money for the right time.

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It would be perfect for Colón to end his career with his Cleveland friend, Mark Shapiro, who traded him (plus some Minor Leaguer pitcher) to the Expos for some first baseman and prospects Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips and Grady Sizemore.

Big Sexy should get the chance to flex in Dunedin and try out for the Jays. But, I’m not sure if Toronto could handle the level of thicc that Vladdy and Bartolo would bring to the Rogers Centre. That might be just a little too much thicc for this city.

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