The Blue Jays will pay Troy Tulowitzki $20 million to play for the Yankees this year

As everyone surely knows, the Blue Jays ate the remainder of Troy Tulowitzki’s salary, ultimately deciding that it was betting to pay him to not be around than it was to pay him to be around. The Jays bought out the remaining two years (and the third option year which featured a team option and a buyout) of Tulo’s deal, which was worth $38 million, thus making him a free agent.

And, because of course, Tulo will be joining the New York Yankees. According to Jeff Passan, the Yankees and the former All-Star shortstop are in agreement on a one-year deal worth somewhere around the league minimum.

With the Jays paying Tulo a boatload of cash this year anyway, the money doesn’t matter. What’s important here is the opportunity to succeed. The Yankees have a big opening at short with Didi Gregorious set to miss a good chunk of the 2019 season after undergoing Tommy John surgery. Tulo will now be in the mix to become New York’s shortstop in Sir Didi’s absence, giving him a chance to play in a hitter-friendly ballpark insulated by a lineup loaded with sluggers.

Since we live in a simulated version of hell, there’s absolutely zero doubt in my mind Tulo is going to kill it with the Yankees this year. I mean, this is the Yankees. They turn water into wine every year, acquiring castaways like Gregorius and Aaron Hicks, sprinkle them with a little magic Yankee dust, and BAM suddenly they’re stars. Again, since the world we live in is nowhere near fair and baseball is mostly just some cruel joke, Tulo will have a great, healthy season and he’ll hit, like, 25 homers.

I’m not complaining about Tulo doing well. I’d love to see him hit his stride and salvage his career. I’d just really, really like for it not to be with the Yankees. I was hoping he could pull it off in baseball’s version of a retirement home in San Diego.

My only ask? Tulo wears No. 2 because Fuck Derek Jeter.